“Will I ever find love?”
It may seem like you’re all alone in this, but trust me – you’re not the only one asking this question.
Romantic love has become such an intrinsic part of our society that a relationship isn’t something you may or may not stumble upon; it’s an expectation.
Of course, this is grounded in our biology. Securing a partner not only ensures reproduction but also improves your chances of survival, something that was of the utmost importance back in the olden days.
As Amir Levine and Rachel S.F. Heller say in their ground-breaking book Attached:
“We’ve been bred to be dependent on a significant other.”
Our brains have even developed biological mechanisms to keep us safe and protected, such as the attachment system – the moment you fall in love with someone, your body strives to create a bond as strong as steel.
This means that questions like “when will I find love?” and “will I ever meet someone?” are completely normal, and not at all uncommon.
There’s a caveat to this, however – the obsessive need to find our other half can drive us to develop an unhealthy approach to relationships and our own sense of self.
I mean, even the word the other half only highlights the problem! Is there a whole half of you missing? Are you half empty on your own?
If so, you may actually benefit from leading a single life.
» You Might Like: How to Meet and Approach Women
Will I ever find someone?
Yes, you will. No matter how bleak the future may seem, practically everyone finds love eventually – according to a 2020 survey, almost 70% of USA adults were partnered. While this leaves us with 30% of singles, half of them weren’t actually looking for a relationship.
What’s more, the same survey found that the youngest and the oldest Americans are most likely to be single.
This is no surprise. Eighteen-year-olds often want to enjoy the perks of a single life before they settle down in their later twenties or thirties. As for people over 65 years of age, many are widowed or divorced, having found a romantic relationship already.
See? You will find love! #notforeveralone.
Before that happens, though, let’s address a much deeper issue – the obsessive fixation on romantic love and the idea that singledom always equals misery.
How Single Life Can Improve Your Future Relationship
The prince saves the princess, and they live happily ever after.
What’s the point of the princess’s life if she can’t be saved? And what’s the prince’s purpose if he can’t save her?
I mean, if they both already have their independent happy ever after, what do they even need from each other? Shouldn’t they just… stay alone?
The key word here is need. We’ve been told that a romantic relationship is what fulfills you on the highest level – before the wedding and the happy suburban life and the three kids on the way, your whole life is just sailing toward that one point in the distance.
Romance is basically our modern idea of heaven. You need it to be granted entrance into paradise.
And while romantic relationships do significantly contribute to happiness, psychologists say that singletons can be just as fulfilled – and sometimes, they’re even doing better than their married counterparts!
Quick note: If you’re enjoying this guide on “when will I find love?”, then you’ll probably find my other writing on all things relationships, style & self-development useful. Each week, I share style tips, inspiration, deals and other things not shared on the blog through my free email newsletter.
To join now, just enter your email address below and click “Get Updates!”
So, before you consider giving up on finding a woman or a man to date, ask yourself the more important question first:
“Am I happy on my own? Or am I so terrified I will never find love that I’m hyper-fixated on getting a partner at any cost?”
If you’re satisfied with your single life and want a relationship, there’s more advice on how to actively seek out love later in the article.
If you think you need love just a little bit too much, here’s why being single can actually help you out a great deal.
» You Might Like: Inspiring Love Quotes for Her (to Help Express How You Feel).
You Learn How to Be Alone
…and that’s crucial. The older you get, the more time you apparently spend alone – even if you’re married.
Learning to be happy alone doesn’t only contribute to your happiness later in life, though. It allows you to explore the inner workings of your mind, reflect, and ultimately get to know yourself better.
And if there’s something you definitely need to be able to do in a healthy relationship, it’s self-reflection. Alone time helps with that.
Plus, solitude has been found to improve emotional self-regulation. If you spend some time on your own, you’re much better prepared to engage with others in a calm manner. Regulating your emotions is, of course, yet another skill needed for a stable partnership.
You Create Your Own Meaning in Life
It’s no news that having a partner feeds into all areas of your life.
Those judo lessons you loved going to? Forget that, let’s watch a movie with the love of your life!
Reading books? Ugh, who cares about books when you can read your lover’s soul?
You get the point.
When you spend a few months or years single, a big distraction is automatically removed from the exploration of your hobbies and passions, giving you huge chunks of time to find out what you want out of life.
Not to mention all the free time to socialize! Since singles spend more time with family and friends, you can easily create a strong inner circle that won’t go anywhere when you eventually fall in love.
An even bigger perk is that you can find so much grounding in your single life that a potential break-up won’t shatter your whole world. You’ll still have your friends. You’ll still have your career and your hobbies.
You’ll be okay on your own because you’ve been okay before. There’s solace in that.
» Related: Signs that She Isn’t Into You (Move On, Already)
You Get to Know What Kind of Partner You Want
Ahh, the bliss of knowing what you want!
Falling in love with one person after another usually doesn’t give you the space to breathe, process, and figure out what went wrong & what you should avoid in the future.
When you’re single, though… that’s where the magic truly happens. Why?
Because you get to be an observer. You get to talk to your friends about their relationship issues, which in turn gives you a safe vantage point from which to establish your boundaries.
When you’re in love, you’re blinded by all the hormones raging inside your body. Single life provides you with clarity. If your friend’s relationship is turning out to be a nightmare, your discussions will automatically lead you to know which red flags you should pay attention to in your own dating life.
If you go on dates from time to time, all the better – this is an excellent opportunity to figure out what kind of person you can’t stand to be with and who your ideal partner should be.
Add some of that new-found independence into the mix, and you’ve got yourself stronger boundaries, a sense of self-respect, and a deep insight into what sort of person fits into your life.
This automatically improves your future relationship because you will only take things further with people who suit your personality, goals, and lifestyle.
You Don’t Need to Be Loved by a Romantic Partner to Feel Whole
When you’re asking, “Will I find love?” you’re simultaneously inquiring about something slightly different:
Will anyone ever love me?”
…which then translates to:
“Will I ever finally feel complete?”
Being happily single is realizing that you already are complete. You’re a whole universe of thoughts and feelings, aspirations and disappointments, expectations and failures, joys and whims.
Your other half doesn’t exist because you’re not split in two. You’re one. And you’re enough as you are.
» Readers’ Favorite: Signs that She’s Into You (Pay Attention, Guys)
How to Find Love Once You’re Ready
Sometimes, love does simply fall into your lap by accident. You stumble into each other at a café, lock eyes across the classroom, or get stuck waiting for a bus.
However, dating is getting increasingly difficult because people aren’t as likely to approach each other anymore.
We’re always wearing headphones, looking at our phones to keep us company, and the paradox of choice can discourage us from asking someone out right here, right now.
After all, there’s always more fish in the sea, right?
Aside from the fact that the fish are kind of struggling right now, embracing a much more active approach to dating increases your chances of finding love by a thousandfold.
Here are just a few things you can do to open yourself up to more possibilities:
- Get on the dating app train (apps like Bumble are geared toward long-term relationships, and many people have successfully found a partner on there – *cough* me).
- Be more active in your local groups and communities & foster a genuine curiosity about others and ask them questions.
- If you see someone you really fancy, ask them out! As long as you’re respectful and polite about it, there’s no harm done. Plus, you have nothing to lose here – you can only gain.
- Become a man of so much value that women naturally gravitate to you. When you begin to embody the qualities that women find attractive, the relationship game is so much easier.
If you’re very anxious about dating, forcing yourself to just do it is actually one of the best things you can do to slowly defeat your anxiety. Psychologists agree. This form of exposure therapy can slowly but surely help you grow in confidence.
» Tired of dating Tinder, Bumble or Hinge? Give eHarmony a shot, it’s one of the more promising and established dating apps.
Burning Questions About Finding Love
How do you know when to give up on finding love?
If you’re fixated on the notion of finding romantic love to the point of making yourself miserable, take a step back and consider the benefits a single life can offer you.
Find a sense of grounding in yourself, pursue your passions, and create your own meaning in life. Then get dating!
What are the signs you will never find love?
If you vehemently believe you will never ever encounter love, it can be more difficult to find it. Due to the brain’s neuroplasticity, what you think and focus on actually deeply matters to how your brain physically changes.
If you magnify negative thoughts about never finding love, that’s what your brain learns to expect. If you remain open and concentrate on your own well-being, you’re more likely to find a happy relationship soon.
» Related: How to Attract a Woman (and Make Her Want You).
What age are you most likely to meet your soulmate?
On average, British people apparently meet their life-long partner at 27. While other findings suggest that women usually meet their partner at 25 and men at 28, finding love is very individual.
Instead of focusing on when, bring the attention back to yourself and to where you are in your life. Once you start thriving as a single person, you begin to attract romantic love as well.
Why is finding love so hard?
Complex times lead to complex romance. Globalization, too much choice, and the utmost value we place on romantic relationships all play a role.
To quote the relationship expert Esther Perel:
“Today, we turn to one person to provide what an entire village once did: a sense of grounding, meaning, and continuity. At the same time, we expect our committed relationships to be romantic as well as emotionally and sexually fulfilling.”
No wonder finding love is so difficult! Don’t give up, though. Only settle for what you know is great for you, but be willing to compromise at the same time.
No one is perfect. Remember that.
» Readers’ Favorite: How to Flirt Over Text With a Girl (and Still Stay Classy)
What are the signs you’re falling in love?
Some of the signs include:
- feeling like the world is a better, more colorful place
- constant obsessive thoughts over your romantic interest
- frequently losing focus
When you’re looking for love, don’t look for a missing part of you. Look for a complete person who can join your amazing team.
In the words of the esteemed poet, Rupi Kaur:
“i do not want to have you
to fill the empty parts of me
i want to be full on my own
i want to feel so complete
i could light a whole city
i want to have you
cause the two of
it on fire”
As for when you will find love… when you’re ready, it will find you. And if you apply an active approach to dating, you can speed up the process!
In the meantime, zoom in on yourself, your hobbies, your career, and whatever else fulfills you on a fundamental level.
You don’t have to wait for the right person to waltz in and magically make your life better. You are your own wizard.
So, make your own love potion – and drink up.
What’s been your hardest obstacle in finding love?
To continue the discussion, come and join the Gentlemen Within Private Facebook Community.
Looking forward to seeing you in there.